It's about time...
I have been writing this blog for nearly a year now and I admit I mostly write about the family. I want everyone at home to feel like they can still watch the kids grow up, but I rarely write about me and how I feel. Well, I guess it is about time to let you all know. :)
Honestly it has been pretty tough for me lately. Surprisingly, not because we moved again...I love our house and everyone here we have met so far. We found a church that I am optimistic about and I joined a mommy's group and just today found a scrapbooking store that hosts "crop sessions" every other Friday. I have talked to our friends that we made in Ocala and I think we will keep in touch with them too. No, it has mostly been difficult for me at home. I want so much to be a good mom. I want to give them the best possible start in life and I want them to know they are loved and that God holds everything together. But a lot of the time I feel like I need to get out.... somewhere without the kids. I sure haven't been away from David much in his life. It's funny how going to the grocery store alone is a wonderful getaway when I used to think of it as a pain. The more I think about it the more I want to work again. This makes me worry about a lot of things though. Does that make me a worse mom? Are the best moms the ones who never put their kids into daycare? I love them both so much and I know I would miss them, so is it wrong that I miss work? I loved my job. Sometimes I would grumble about having to go in, but once I was there, I felt like God used me. I know I made a difference with patients I met and I loved my coworkers and did my job well. I have struggled with this a lot this past year. Working inside the home instead of at the hospital makes it a lot more difficult to see how God is using me. I know with kids it is the accumulation of many years, and God works in the little ways...it just doesn't seem like I am doing anything sometimes. I think I notice all of the times when I could have done (fill in the blank) better. (for example potty training!) I don't think I am a bad mom, I just worry that I have made too many mistakes already. Parenting is so hard sometimes! So I guess this is my struggle lately...should I stay home or work? I think a part of me thinks I should stay home...if I really loved my kids. That it is selfish if I want to work. And then the other part of me knows I need adult time and I am good at what I do in the hospital and if I miss it, maybe that is where I should be. Honestly I think daycare would be good for Lana, but I worry about David.
It seems like lately I am sad a lot. Staying home is much harder work that anything I have done before. It is more stressful than any interventional or OR case I have scrubbed in on. I guess that is it...I feel stressed lately, very stressed. Lana is definitely 2 and testing the boundaries. She is a little sweetie, but she also makes me crazy sometimes. David isn't to that point (yet!) but he can be really clingy! It is tough to have only a few precious hours of alone time a day and then just wake up to another day with many challenges!
I also think that I am carrying around guilt for leaving everyone in Michigan. I feel horrible for taking the kids away from their grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins and our friends. I don't feel this way because of what anyone says, I just know that it makes them sad that we are apart. (it makes me sad too) I worry about what everyone thinks about us and the decisions we have made. So when I get overwhelmed I eat ice cream to cheer myself up :) (not much has changed has it Andy and Josh?) I go out to our back porch and look at the trees and plants and enjoy the sunshine and warm breeze and blue skies and appreciate all that God has given me. I probably cry more than I used to, but I feel like I have more of a relationship with God than I have ever had before. Hopefully I will follow where he is leading me and then have peace about it...
posted by the quists @ 11:52 AM
3 comments
3 Comments:
It's good to see you're keeping it real with us, Trac. I totally understand all of your feelings of frustration with this stage of parenting - needing to get away on your own, needing a BREAK from a toddler in her terrific twos and a clingy infant. I've been really down since Mark stopped working from home because I get no breaks during the day anymore, which used to keep me sane (even 5 minutes was a huge help). This part of mothering is much tougher than I imagined.
I'm proud of you for trying to figure out what's best not only for your kids but also for you. Dr. Phil always says, "if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." You are the backbone of your family, and you need to stay strong for them... and that might just mean working part-time. I have no doubt that your kids get so much nurturing during their time with you that they will not be harmed by time away if you choose to work. I'm praying for you as you make a decision to work or not. Know that I'm always here to talk - even if it is really loud in the background! ;)
Dear tracy,
Not being a parent myself you can always chaulk my opinion up to bullshit. I don't think you will be happy untill you have something outside of family and church to do. I know it is not my place to say any of this, but I don't think it is a bad Idea for you to go back to work.
Right now you are trying to define your life on motherhood, and being a good wife, but that is not really who you are. you are much more than that. You are a good mother and a good wife, I am sure of that, but you are also a very gifted, intelegent, and funny person. Haveing no outlet to talk to adults, or situations that reaffirm your worth, it is difficult to not get depressed.
I believe you can be a great mother and still work, even if it is only part time. Just think, our mother was great and she worked. Really you don't necessarily need to get a job, just something you can do on a regular basis that does not revolve around your children. I think that will help your mental health.
well that is my opinion and as I said you can say "oh that bullshit" or you can listen to it. It is completely up to you.
PS You can always call me just to talk too.
I got to your blog via Jennifer's. I just had to respond to this. I don't think that a mother is any "better" if she does or doesn't work. It kills me when people say they don't want "strangers" taking care of their kids. I think the best mother is one that is happy with herself. So, for each person, that is different. You are lucky you have the luxury to stay at home, but you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to work. I work part-time and feel like it is a good balance for me. It gives me time doing cerebral, computer stuff. And it gives me a fair amount of time with my son.
I think children are more resilient than we give them credit for. It doesn't matter so much the time you are not with him, but that you maximize the time that you spend with them.
Good luck. Thanks for sharing in your blog. I truly enjoy reading about other peoples' lives and struggles. We have so many of the same.
Post a Comment
<< Home